A Thought Before The Aprentice Finale

Like most of you, I watch the mindless void of television hit the NBC hit The Aprentice. Sure I don't really like Donald Trump but I do like the show and its pretty cool watching it and I like this season's premise College graduates versus High School graduates, its the battle of Street Street Smart vrs Book Smarts. Well, in the end its a battle between the two teams Kendra and Tana.
Kendra from the Book Smarts and Tana from Street Smarts. The two are really tough competors and I don't really know who I should pull for.
Kendra is an actractive woman from the Book Smart's Team who could win because she is smart and has pulled a few wins as project manager and and she is a college graduate and she knows how to operate a successful business.

Tana is a from the Street Smart Team who could win could win cause she won a task or two as project manager as a project manager but she isn't a college graduate but she doesn't measure up to tasks like Kendra. Infact in one task that Kendra was Project manager when she was in the same team with her she and Craig another person on the show they fell asleep while Kendra worked on the project by herself and they won the task.
But in my opinion, I had a few people I who I thought who were good looking on the show were

Erin, a was from the Book Smarts Team, Audrey a Hottie from the Street Smarts.

Well in a few hours we will find out in a few hours who will be the next Aprentice.

my legs are numbs

I have terrible pains in my legs and I have terrible cramps everywhere else. What is really sad its all because of lupus. I hate this illness. I tried to walk to the Dollar store near my house which is only half a mile I couldn't walk a half a mile without feeling long winded and out of breath and stretched. The sharp pain in my back is killing me. I am tired and extremely sore. I know I shouldn't worry but with these pains there comes numbness everwhere in my arms and feet. Pins especially in the toes.

Well I tried to take a nap but I was woke up by my cellphone. Stupid cellphone. Like I have said before I wish I was able to walk or feel things under my feet without feeling cramps. I am tired as well.
I can't move my legs I feel like as if I am paralized. I am so numb. I feel as if i am having hot flashes some moments I am hot other moments I am hot other moments i am cold. Damn I don't know what to feel.

I once again feeling as if I am a prisoner of my own body, I can't go out anywhere, if I go somewhere I'll get sick and feel weak. If I stay I'll get cabin fever. So I am trapped. I can't move my muscles I can't do anything. I am bored I know I am whining but damn it get me out of this mess. I wish I lived in Alaska or Antartica. Yea its cold but at least its not hot and my body could handle the cold.

Maybe I should live back in Canada where I can smoke Marijuana so it can ease my muscle problems legally. Lupus is a severe medical condition and plus its cold there. Two pretty cool things that are great pluses in life. Down sizes of Canada. One Cigarettes are expensives and Close to family to interfere in my personal business. But hell, if I can work out a deal, maybe I can live in Ottawa. I loved Ottawa when i was a student and who knows I find it a city I can handle living. Plus its always a home away from home. Plus its an hour from Montreal, I don't have to visit the family when I want rather than see them all the time and they don't have to interfer in my business on every little detail. I will check out places in Ottawa and jobs there too. Maybe a computer job at Corel or work at the Sun or the other newspaper. But find a job in Ottawa. I know its just a cake dream but find something first. Show mom first. Show her a proposal. Explain to her why I want to do it, maybe work in Parliment or a lobbying firm for Lupus.

I will submit a resume and show mom what i plan on doing and ask her if she agrees if i should do this. Well I know this maybe a fantasy but I want to persue this dream and make it a reality. First I will try to find my resume that I worked with Paul, that guy from Montreal and rewrite it and create it myself and save it on my own computer. And show mom.

Well I am going to try to stretch legs. If it works I am going to walk a little. I'll write more later tonight and give you my views on the season finale of the Aprentice.

Sleep My Sheep Sleep.

I got a haircut today and boy do I look super sharp and I look and I feel nice. But I am not as fat as I was before but I am still not as skinny as I want to be. I am sore and there are throbbing pains in my lower calves. I really hate having lupus, it causes so much agony in the muscles and I also am sticky feel sick. I have drank a lot of water when I got home. But I have taken a break from walking and I need to charge my batteries.

My batteries are like in low power slowly going back to full strength but I am getting my energy back. I am tired but I don't want to nap, we are going to that E-bay shop today hopefully they can sell my stuff quickily. I really need the money and hate that I am sort of broke. I no longer work at Valhalla, the managers decided I should no longer be bartender. Its upsetting to me but I am welcomed back as a customer. I mean I wasn't paid for working there but I did enjoy being behind the bar.

Well I just got back from the Ebay shop and well that was a total let down. I can't sell any of the stuff I was planning to sell so I am going to ask dad to see if he can help me sell it on his own account. I mean its so boring here I may take a nap my muscles are killing me. I hate feeling sick my bones and my head are throbbing and every part of my body is also killing me. I got a haircut. I am broke and I have to wait till Friday to get paid. Plus I don't think of going anytime soon to Valhalla.

Wellthe dog is sleeping on the couch and dad is reading in the living room and I am too tired to write the list of stuff I want to sell so I'd do that when I wake up. Hopefully I'll have enough energy when I wake up. Another day with pain and the worse part of it is I deal with and I can't believe that Lupus is what is kicking my ass and making me worse then before. I hate having this disease. I can't be in the sun for only 30 minutes before my organs turn into soup. Its like God wants to tell me I created the Sun so you can't play in it. I am sick of being sick. Well,I am going to drink more water and write a few e-mails or go to sleep and then write the e-mails. Either way I am tired of being so sore that I can't move any part of my body without hearing the sounds of my muscles cracking.

My bones are like jello. Speaking of jello, I think I'll eat some orange jello. I ate some yesterday and that was good. I tend to ramble about stupid things if you didn't notice.

Well I am losing the battle of weight gain but I am still a bit fat but I am going to lose a lot more weight soon. I am cutting down on midnight snacks. Eating healthy is my plan. AH CRAP MY FEET ARE SWELLING AGAIN.
I AM GOING TO BED.

i wish i were ok

Pinocco wanted to be a real boy I just wish i was normal. I am just sick that i can't make any money. I want to be normal. I wish I could make money and neither of my parents like the idea of E-bay cause they are worried they will be cheated or there identity will be stolen. I understand them but damn it I want to be normal. Why can't I make money. Why can't I be normal a normal 24 year old. I hate having this illness why can't I be like everyone else have nothing to worry about. I wish i was happy again. I am so wasn't so sad. I want to make money on my own rather than depending it on mom and dad the 20 dollars a week. I mean if I sold my own stuff on E-bay. I could of made a fortune. I want to be normal. I hate that I am sick yes I am mentally ill. I hate my parents they are at fault. I never thought I would say this but they are totally at fault for me being born. I am so angry with them,i am not normal, I can't make money by getting a job,or social security would be gone so if I sold things on E-bay it would help pay for my share of stuff. I would sell my books some of my clothes that didn't fit me any more. At least I would be happy I could be able to save my money for my birthday and other things and buy stuff for me. I wouldn't have to ask for money in the long run.

Damn it I wish I were a normal 24 year old. I know there is no such a thing as normal, but I mean someone who didn't have to take his medicine everyday, someone who didn't have to stop and think what was real and not real, some one who didn't step into psychosis. I didn't have to leap into a delusional state, someone who didn't have to be medicated someone who's brain acts funny all the time. Someone who is angry and depressed and really hates that who isn't happy with himself. I don't have a job who is supposed to have graduated, who is supposed to have a girlfriend, someone who is to have been living on his own, someone who is aware of his surroundings someone who can make his own money none of this has happend to me all I have done to myself is hurt myself even further. I am not normal I am a schizophrenic who is trapped betweeen emotions.

Maybe I am angry, I am sad I wish I knew what the hell to think damn it I hate having these emotions. Getting so worked up to its giving me a head ache. Part of me wish I was dead the other part of me wants them to know how I feel the other part of me doesn't know how to explain it but I am pissed I am with them that they cursed me with this problem. I mean they screwed me.

I believe God gave me a raw deal in life. I figured God made me his joke and thought everything was a big joke for him and laughed when he created me saying lets see how much we can make him suffer. Relax I am still a believer in Him but I am more angry with him then ever but I am more horrified that he will do something worse off. I mean he is a terrible comedian cursing me. But my question is this, is God so angry with me that He has to give me all these plagues. What did I ever do to Him?

Ok I am going to look for stuff to see what I can bid on E-bay and then see what I can do.

a movie review of The Terminal and other things I did today

Well Cable is Out and Well nothing exciting has happend. I did have a busy day today. I watched two movies. While writing the first post I saw Superman IV which I loved and I saw the Terminal, which was a great film but was awfully long though. The only problem I had with the film was that Tom Hanks had a terrible accent he sounded so much like Balki from Perfect Strangers and it sounded so corny it was hard to understand what he was saying. Stanley Tucci playing the INS head was awesome he does play a great role as the key buracratic dickhead who can't allow Hanks into the country. Catherine Zeta Jones was amazingly beautiful as the flight attendant who falls in love with the quirky guy living in the airport. What surprised me more was that she pulled off sounding so American even though she is from Wales. The minor characters like the food service guy and baggage handler and janitor were halarious people each playe there role well done but sometimes there story was a little too done for there own good. the Food Service guy needed Hanks to play Cyrano to attract the Customs woman that he has a crush on. Later on they get married. Which I never understood. They just met for a few seconds and then they get married.

Stanley Tucci role as the head of the INS is what making sure that everything Tom Ridge is talking about protecting in Homeland Security.

But all in all the movie was excellent. I found the film to be **** out ***** four out of five
because it was it was too long.

Well aside from watching the Terminal, I took a nap and slept for an hour and a half. I was so tired and infact I plan on sleeping once I finish writing this. I did what I was setting out to do. I did do most of the things I planned but I did do some research but I spent most of the day relaxing watching tv with mom. Or napping in my bed.I think I love my bed when its nicely made and nicely folded rather than in a big pile. I guess I will fix that by making my bed every day. Maxine is sleeping on the couch again and mom is reading in her room and dad is reading and his. So I should be doing something productive but I am keeping myself entertained by writing.
I ate too much dinner and I feel sick, like I am going to throw up but I am also feeling like I am going to explode. Either way its not a good feeling. I am going to lie down and relax maybe I will close my eyes and dream. Tommorow is going to be a busy day but I hope to stay asleep for another few hours. I am dead tired right now My body is telling me I should go to sleep.

Mother's Day A Day To Take Action

I had a wonderful dinner with the family, and well I am watching Superman IV. Though the film is a cheesey film and totally an 80s with Jon Cryer film its still rocks. I love Superman and I have said it again that I plan on camping out for its release date for Superman Returns next year. I know that a lot of those nerds do that for Star Wars, I mean I could order the tickets online which I am going to ask dad if I can use his credit card to do to but I figure it will still rock if I can do that but it will still be awesome to watch the movie. I am still a big ass fan of the man in tights.

I have always been a fan of Superman since I was 5. I think Superman and I have a lot of things in common, we both have secrets that we can't really share with people for the fear that people don't really explain them or we would be made fun of or that people would laugh at or be hurt.

Also, we have our honesty to protect, plus I have the Clarkness inside of me that I am so nice to everyone that I am such a nerd that everyone doesn't know what to get from. I see myself more of a Clark like Jillian told me. I am such a bizarre person that no one knows if I am the real deal or not. I am ackward and strange but I am smart and aware of my surroundings but I have this secret that I am afraid to share my true emotions to the world.
I hope that I don't hurt anyone by letting them know my true feelings to anybody. That is why I never allowed people to know about my illnesses and I bullshitted people. Its all a psyschological. If I told them the truth, they would labled me a freak or treated me like I was a nut job, but if I hid the truth from them they would see me as just a mild mannered person. Either way I am happy being labled normal. I guess being me, is hard. I hate that I am torn to tell people who the real me is. I mean the human side is telling me tell the truth that I am mentally ill that I have a hard time tellling what is real and whats is a delusion. I guess writing about it is easier. I guess thats what life is about with my condition. Thinking about! Struggling about life is hard. I fear I have lost all my friends if I simply tell the truth to them.

I am planning on working today and piecing it all together and working on a way to explaining it to all my mind to make logical sense of it. I have to figure it out. I have a problem. I have to solve it and I have to right the wrongs. So I don't do them again. I think Jillian, could help me out with that, first be honest with her and tell her how I feel. Tell Vivian tommorow I have to see her immediately so I don't go off the deep end. I need someone to talk to. Get a reality check! Solve my issues. Snap out of this fantasy world I've created and try to focus on to reality. Focus on real things do things that are real.

OK, today I am i am planning on doing things like working on this blog. Thats real! I am going to e-mail Silivia, thats real. I am going to talk things over with myself, thats real. I am going to work things over. I am going to see some pics that someone scanned and retouched them and put them on this blog thats real.

So far, I feel better now I am going to take a deep breath and begin. OK :-) I am going to talk with dad.

I am Tired

I am so tired,
I had a pretty busy day today. I woke up at 6:45 am and I didn't felt like I could move but I did and well I started my day at 10. I did my laundry and vaccumed the floors. After I vaccumed I started cleaning the whole house and boy that was a lot of work. I am sleepy. I haven't felt this sleepy but a good tired. I watched the Kentucky Derby and Giacomo won, I never knew that a long shot and if I was pulling for a horse I would of pulled for that horse cause it had a cool name. I am so sore and from all that work I did today.
My reward for the hard work is dinner at Ruths Chris Steak House. Also tommorow is Mothers Day and I did all this work for mom so she didn't have to work to keep the house clean. I worked hard in keeping it clean

Well, I am going to write more later providing I don't fall asleep on my steak tonight.

love to write again.

I FEEL SO BLAH

WHAT A DAY!

What a day! I fear I am slipping back into Psychosis! Or at least that is what I am telling myself at this very moment. I am being aware of my surroundings, I caught myself aware that I pulled a few slip backs earlier but I didn't know that I did that but I am doing them again and again. My head is killing me and yet I am doing them. I told Gardner and the Managers the truth today and hopefully they understand and that they don't fire me. I am scared. I know what I did was wrong and well I am ashamed I did it but I know I would possibly do it again if I wasn't medicated right.

I guess I am back into psychosis fearing that I hurt myself in the long run. I will do some work tonight and read my book and figure out what I can do about it. I am tired and yet I am not sleepy. I am afraid to tell mom that I am going back into psychosis for she'll put me back in the hospital but I guess thats where I belong. I need a break from it all no more Valhalla for a while. I just need time to think and relax. Damn it A you really made me mad for thinking these thoughts. I shouldn't of worried about these things. I know its no big deal I could of simply told M the truth.

Wondering why I feel so confused, am I wrong to think this way. I know I shouldn't be angry with him but I am kind of pissed off that I tried to right the wrongs I've created. I'll call for an appointment with Vivian on Monday. I am scared! I am getting to worked up for nothing, maybe they will just think of it as nothing or maybe they will kick me out of campus. Oh well! Life goes right! Tonight I am going to Target with mom! woohoo! I guess thats where my excitement is going to take me.

Well, my mind is a blank right now I don't know what to think any more I feel sad and I feel confused I just wish I knew what to feel. Well I am going to relax and watch some good tv.

Lucky Dog Vendor, This is one of the pictures I retouched that I mentioned as an updated 

Its Cinqo de Mayo

Well yay! Another Cinqo De Mayo and this one is especially awesome cause its 05 o5 o5 totally rocks. Well I am thrilled about I am thinking of going to Valhalla to drink a Dos XX to celebrate with the F&E guys. I am wearing my Cinqo De Mayo Shirt my new shirt I got for the Wedding hopefully it will remain clean and I will send it cleaners on Saturday. But anyway I had a pretty eventful day yesterday I worked on this blog and spent a few hours working on this and trying and edited it. Now I am beginning to see how the downloading pictures work and make them look fancy. I am pretty happy that my pictures are being to look fancy and I am being to have them look museum quality. I take time cropping them and making them look like an exhibit quality too bad I don't have a digital printer to print these fine ass pictures.

Well, I also happy that I have written a post for the second time and I think I am planning on writing a post everyday even on the weekend so I don't forget. Well,I am in the process of watching Ellen, somehow the show is a little stupid but I still watch it why because its like a train wreck, you can't stop but look at it.

I watch the show waiting for the show I do watch from 11-1 Unsolved Mysteries on Lifetime,even though most of the time the show is a rerun or they repeat the stories that previously aired.

Well, I am going to eat something and then going to do some research on somethings I'll be back later to write some more but for now I guess thats all I have to say for now.

Female Bike and Chug Team at Beer Bike 2005 

Beer Soccer at Rice Lacross Field, The beer lasted only the first hour of the game 

i had a friend take this picture of me on the Bike track during Beer Bike Practice the day before the race even though I couldn't participate for the race I did have a great time of 30 seconds 51 mil 

File name :DSCN0255.JPG
This is a funny picture of a baby teething on a Saint Arnolds 

Day One

Well this is my first blog on this site and I have figured I should try to introduce myself. I am a young writer who had written several short stories and poems and I finished my first novel, Fire at the Hummingbird Inn. It's a Romance Crime Novel in set in Boston. The story element has the element of Law & Order, yet of sensuality of a good romance novel. I have had people who have read it and they have said its pretty good and well written. So I think I have the knack I have for writing and that I plan on doing that as a career. I want to be a writer like my father.


I am sore and in a heck of a lot of pain but thats mostly due from me having lupus. I have lupus a strange blood immune disorder that effects my blood, organs and muscle structure and sometimes it effects my bones and mostly it hurts when i try to sit and walk. I can't do much without stretching. So I am in a lot of pain, the dog is in the same way she has a lot of pain too, she doesn't have lupus but she was hit by a car on Sunday. I have a 7 month old puppy Maxine.

Well also if I am a passionate Democrat and I am very vocal against my policies against President Bush's policies and the whole Republican side of things. A lot of people will call me a leftist and I am not a shame to say that I am.

I am also very critical about what is seen on t.v. and I give my criticism about everything and I am sarcastic about just about everything. I was raised that way so if you don't like don't like it then read someone else's blog.


I also listen to all types of music, and yes I make fun of that too. Whatever the subject is I know there can be a joke to be made fun out of it.

i find humour in my writings and also in my every day life. I have my friends who sometimes don't get most of my jokes some of them go over there heads. But I still aim to make them laugh. But I do have a serious side, and I do work on that most of the time when I am focused on something but I do like having fun.

Well,I am going to rest my muscles and hopefully I can feel better cause I hate being so sore.