I had a wonderful dinner with the family, and well I am watching Superman IV. Though the film is a cheesey film and totally an 80s with Jon Cryer film its still rocks. I love Superman and I have said it again that I plan on camping out for its release date for Superman Returns next year. I know that a lot of those nerds do that for Star Wars, I mean I could order the tickets online which I am going to ask dad if I can use his credit card to do to but I figure it will still rock if I can do that but it will still be awesome to watch the movie. I am still a big ass fan of the man in tights.
I have always been a fan of Superman since I was 5. I think Superman and I have a lot of things in common, we both have secrets that we can't really share with people for the fear that people don't really explain them or we would be made fun of or that people would laugh at or be hurt.
Also, we have our honesty to protect, plus I have the Clarkness inside of me that I am so nice to everyone that I am such a nerd that everyone doesn't know what to get from. I see myself more of a Clark like Jillian told me. I am such a bizarre person that no one knows if I am the real deal or not. I am ackward and strange but I am smart and aware of my surroundings but I have this secret that I am afraid to share my true emotions to the world.
I hope that I don't hurt anyone by letting them know my true feelings to anybody. That is why I never allowed people to know about my illnesses and I bullshitted people. Its all a psyschological. If I told them the truth, they would labled me a freak or treated me like I was a nut job, but if I hid the truth from them they would see me as just a mild mannered person. Either way I am happy being labled normal. I guess being me, is hard. I hate that I am torn to tell people who the real me is. I mean the human side is telling me tell the truth that I am mentally ill that I have a hard time tellling what is real and whats is a delusion. I guess writing about it is easier. I guess thats what life is about with my condition. Thinking about! Struggling about life is hard. I fear I have lost all my friends if I simply tell the truth to them.
I am planning on working today and piecing it all together and working on a way to explaining it to all my mind to make logical sense of it. I have to figure it out. I have a problem. I have to solve it and I have to right the wrongs. So I don't do them again. I think Jillian, could help me out with that, first be honest with her and tell her how I feel. Tell Vivian tommorow I have to see her immediately so I don't go off the deep end. I need someone to talk to. Get a reality check! Solve my issues. Snap out of this fantasy world I've created and try to focus on to reality. Focus on real things do things that are real.
OK, today I am i am planning on doing things like working on this blog. Thats real! I am going to e-mail Silivia, thats real. I am going to talk things over with myself, thats real. I am going to work things over. I am going to see some pics that someone scanned and retouched them and put them on this blog thats real.
So far, I feel better now I am going to take a deep breath and begin. OK :-) I am going to talk with dad.
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