Ok Ok Ok

What an eventful week this has been.
I truly feel like things have begun as like normally as possible.
Random Generated Thoughts projected on to words on my thoughts journal.
I began to explore the depths of truths and uncovered the reality of whats missing. I discovered that I was missing happiness and surrounded by feeling of being confused. I began to feel weird. There was a void I was looking for and I had no real answer for it. I felt like I needed to solve that void with something but what. I began to examine myself with questions. Do I do this with humor, do I do it with philososphy , with my meditation. I begin to ask the questions of what or who the hell am I? I am still plagued with these thoughts. I have slowly felt my heart beating faster and faster.

I know I don't have all the answers but I am learning to find an answer. Today I am sitting here trying to understand me. What am I? I have an idea but I have no answer. I am confused with my thoughts. I am so to the point with my thoughts. Its like I am surrounded with a feeling of an immediate rush. I am an acting like an idiot in the world. I am not a stranger but I am not a fool but I am just being me.


What am I doing but writing. This is just my mind rambling with my medication but I feel still different. I feel very questionable. I am unable to answer my simple questions I am stuck in this mode what is wrong with me. Why do I feel trapped? I feel liked I am caged inside. I need an escape go back into a dillusional state or die trying. I am without boundries my mind is so full of energy its caving in.


My skin is really ready to leash out and ready to be primal. I am human but I feel like I should be a caveman. I feel like screaming but I have no voice. What the hell is wrong with me today. I started off without taking any wellbutrin and now i just feel so clear but its so wierd. What is this drama that I am waiting for and that I am still getting it. I am free to express myself.


Free my thoughts to explain this. This was just how my mind wrote today it has no meaning but to me. So if you don't need an explination just read it to see how I wrote a free base of ideas of words randomly picked to make sentences. Its my version of a lyrical device like Howl by Allen Ginsburg.

but anyway i am sorry i haven't written in a while. I will explain later how I feel.

I began to start my job.

I have been working on taking pictures of before the storm and I have finished two rolls of film. It made me think of the John Waters Film Pecker. Which I am watching right now. Pecker is a great comedy even though I do find most of Waters films sick and demented here the film seems normal and just bizarre.

Well the storm is about to hit in a few hours and we are still staying in Houston. The mass media has said that this is a terrible thing going to happen. I am beginning to think if I take a lot of pictures maybe one day they will be printed. I came across a few pictures of Dad's boss Patricia Hearst and I am thinking I should do articles for another Hearst newspaper just like dad but I am so focused on writing stories on these pictures. I figured my talent is used in the two mediums that I am good at. Photography and writing. If I do well with one I can always use the other to help build my career.

I am mostly a digital photographer but I can use regular cameras. I just think if I found that digital is easier to use for the fact there is no darkrooms. I had so much trouble working in a dark room. So I would let professionals take care of that or the local drug store.

I guess I am going to work on taking more pictures. One of my favorite pictures is the one of Patty Hearst with a gun. I think I want to aim at the image. I want to have a career of web based photography.

Hey you always wondered why am I bloggist, this cool book I just finished reviewing could possibly explain the whole reason.
Reporters Without Borders on Blogging Anonymously Reports Without Borders has shipped a free guide for "Bloggers and Cyber-Dissidents" on publishing anonymously without getting fired, imprisoned or executed.

Bloggers need to be anonymous when they are putting out information that risks their safety. The cyber-police are watching and have become expert at tracking down "trouble- makers." This handbook gives advice on how to post material without revealing who you are ("How to blog anonymously," by Ethan Zuckerman). It's best of course to have the technical skills to be anonymous online, but following a few simple rules can sometimes do the trick. This advice is of course not for those (terrorists, racketeers or pedophiles) who use the Internet to commit crimes. The handbook is simply to help bloggers encountering opposition because of what they write to maintain their freedom of expression. However, the main problem for a blogger, even under a repressive regime, isn't security. It's about getting the blog known, finding an audience. A blog without any readers won't worry the powers-that-be, but what's the point of it? This handbook makes technical suggestions to make sure a blog gets picked up by the major search-engines (the article by Olivier Andrieu), and gives some more "journalistic" tips about this ("What really makes a blog shine," by Mark Glaser).
Some bloggers face the problem of filtering. Most authoritarian regimes now have the technical means to censor the Internet. In Cuba or Vietnam, you won't be able to access websites that criticise the government or expose corruption or talk about human rights abuses. So-called "illegal" and "subversive" content is automatically blocked by filters. But all bloggers need free access to all sites and to the blogosphere or the content of their blogs will become irrelevant


Being a freelance journalist, I always tend to find a great story. This week, I am working on Hurricane Rita, which is supposed to hit Houston or Galveston later this week. Matter of fact, this story is a great idea focus on whats life on a hurricane path. I started off thinking maybe the storm wouldn't hit Houston but now I am listening to a bombardment of stories saying the storm is near and I feel more confused. Should I rely on the main stream media or should I still believe the storm won't hit us. That to me is a matter of discussion. I will discuss as soon as possible hopefully we will have power soon.

So it has been a long time.

Well for starters I am happy that I finally have the chance to post a blog. I have been busy with working with NOAH and with my new job. I kind of like my new job but I am still questionable about whats going on. I am doing well health wise. The weather is a bit hot and I still am stuck being inside but I am learning to accept it slowly.

So I am doing a lot of thinking and well let me tell you about my new job. My job entitles me to follow around people and get there pictures done. Its basically its find actractive people and ask them to pose for a picture for a major magazine. I love the job because it helps connect with a Houston's cool people. The job at times seems like its so boring but I am really working hard in keeping the job. The only down side of the job that I've found is sometimes people are skeptical of getting there pictures taken. I am learning the ropes so I can eventually become one of the photographers. I am learning that my job has become simple and easy to handle. I work mostly on the weekends which is great so I can focus on my Duties at NOAH. The job seems ideal but at times it feels like the job I do at NOAH doesn't mean anything and that I can leave it alone and ignore it.

Right now, I am at home writing.Watching the Texans vrs Steelers I am pretty sure that the Texans will lose but it seems like a game worth watching. Maybe I should pull for my hometown team but I am still doubtful. I am pretty excited that I am able to feel better even though part of me wishes I could go outside. I am going to try to figure out what can I do today. I am learning to save my money for this weekend. I am thinking whats a good way to save my money. I took some pictures that I am going to load up. And once I am connected on my computer I will show them to you all.

Well I am going to start writing my release today so I will write back another time. Whenever that will be.

It has been a long week.

what a long time since I have written something. I have for once been feeling like I have done some of the stupid things in life and every time I feel like I have done something right I manage to take a dumb ass approach to things. I for one I have felt like things are finally back to normal. I have been working on my project and well the project has somewhat overwhelmed me. I am doing something rather than feeling awful about it. I have learned about human structure and behavoiral patterns. What makes things easy is that I am not the only one to feel this sudden burst of stupidity my own parents have too.

Last week, I was bombarded with media coverage of the Hurricane and I was feeling guilty that I wasn't doing anything to help. I felt that somewhat helpless and I needed to do something but what could I do without being sick. For one thing if I went to the Astrodome, I would of gotten sick and feel really tired real quick. I decided to put my best foot forward and help the Hurricane Victims in the best way I know how. By helping musicians. New Orleans has a great deal of musicians and well they need help finding new places to live and shelter. So I decided to help the group NOAH. Which has been a great relief and well that feeling of shame has slowly become a feeling of accomplishing something. I began by going to there meeting and when they assigned people to do things, I signed up to be the Logistic Coordinator. Sounds like something I can do, create lists and call people, I have done that for a while and well I am glad that I have assigned myself to do it. As logistic coordinator, I still have no idea what to expect and how to do most of the things. I have been told to wait for more information before I start doing the project. I am already working on no plan. How far can I go without a plan? Makes me think of Shrub,he had no plan when he attacked Iraq so pretty much I am playing it by ear. Terrible example, but its what I am leading to.

Speaking of doing a job that I have no idea what I am doing, I am also working on borrowed computers. Not fun when my own laptop is being repaired. So again, I am doing work half/ass. The best part of my job of helping people is that I feel busy and it keeps me from feeling guilty. Being Dumb though thats just something I have been focusing on for a while.

Last week, I went to the UH Oregon game and well I decided to find a group who would accept me. I didn't really find a group nor did I feel like I was doing anything to be part of a group, but I still felt like I should TRY to find some people for a story I am writing. Well while at the tailgate I ran into a group of fraternity brothers from the Phi Delta Theta and they told me a little bit of there fraternity and there troubles and well I thought ok these people sound like people I can easily relate to. I was part of a group that wasn't really accepted and was a trouble maker and I made average grades so I thought heck, just hang out with them and see what happens. Well at the tailgate everything was great and I sort of felt hey these guys aren't so bad till I met one guy who really hated outsiders and he really had a short temper. I felt threatened by this guy and I didn't want to step on anybody's toes but I had to figure out what is going on. I later read a story about this particular fraternity and there practices and read that the same guy with a short fuse was arrested for Assault. I then realized thank god I left. So I knew I didn't belong with a group of deliquents. Trying hard to piece these things together I learned quickily that I had to solve my story quickly. I called a few of the brothers who accepted me and told them I am working on a story about Fraternity Culture in America., They seemed interested and I told them it would be a great idea to hear there imput. After all, I had to be fair, I couldn't think of a fraternity story without talking with a fraternity. So I decided to wait out and organize my ideas and see what can I say without hurting anyone. Well tomorrow I will imbark on the first leg of the story. Getting to know if they will help me. I am still scared to death that they will hurt me and beat me up, but I want to accomplish this story before Holliween.
So if I have a few broken bones and fractures, you know the story didn't run so well.
Scared yes,motivated yes but deciding to do it for the fun of a great story who knows. I will be happy once its published.
I will let you the blog readers be the first to read the story.
Then I will send it out to the brothers. Who knows it maybe a great time to meet new people.

Well I am going to continue with working with NOAH till I have an answer.

How Do I Confess of something. I didn't really do so badly.

Today, my parents went out to the store and went to the gallery. I received 20. b ucks yesterday as part of my allowance. Well I told my mom I had a ride home yesterday from J.D. but I decided to take a cab home. I could of waited for dad afterwork but I realized,I don't think he would of wanted to give me a ride after working. So I spent my allowance on a cab ride back. I know, I should of at least felt better if I took a cab home since if I left with Jillian, I would of been home around 5 am. I didn't feel like waiting for that long. So if I tell them the truth maybe they will understand.I was invited to spend the night at her place but I had to take my meds so I left. I had one of those terrible withdrawn feelings, that happen when I am without my meds for so long.

The cab cost me 22.50 I gave Jaba (the cab driver) a 2 dollar tip. He was a nice guy, but I didn't do anything wrong but I feel like that if I tell my parents that I spent my money on a cab they would lecture me,saying you know you could of gotten a ride from one of us. I left at exactaly 11:45 before midnight when the rate would be increased by a dollar. I feel like that yes, I spent my money on a cab. I should of done better with my money but I was thinking it was safer than riding METRO plus walking downtown to the Chron building wouldn't be safe either. So I decided it was easier to take a cab.

I am planning on telling my parents the truth and see if they will give me some pity. I am trying to think, what can I do to ease my finaicial debt.

Well, anyway, i am sorry that I haven't written in a while. A lot of things have been going on. For starters, Katrina has been a major problem. The hurricane , has totally wiped out New Orleans and every refugee is staying in the Houston area. Our neighborhood has been the refugee camp. Its really sad that these people lost everything. I begin to think of Aunt Betty and Uncle Randy who also lost everything. I pray that they can get back on there feet and move on. The news is covering the story 24/7 and well I am seeing the same footage I saw a day ago. The whole storm has effected everyone I know personally. I myself am sad seeing those refugees and people who haven't showered or gotten the right medical treatment due to lack of supplies. The storm although its overwith has greatly impacted all of us.

Dad even though he won't admit it, is very depressed that he lost the city he calls home. He struggles everyday listening to the news to hear whats the latest. I know that deep inside Dad wants to cry and release his frustration,but he is masking it very well so no one knows when he will snap. I am always out of the way so I don't do anything to trigger his depression. We are acting like we are in Pins & Needles. The weather in Houston has become very humid and hot so I have resulted in staying inside or in my office. With the humidity its I am having trouble breathing and I have stomach aches worse than before. The humidity is no picnic for the refugees either.
I am doing my share to help, organize a fundrasier to help the victims. Since I can't help them personally without getting sick, doing this will help me a lot more. Well, I am going to reorganize my closet. I will write more when I have the chance.