i wish i were ok

Pinocco wanted to be a real boy I just wish i was normal. I am just sick that i can't make any money. I want to be normal. I wish I could make money and neither of my parents like the idea of E-bay cause they are worried they will be cheated or there identity will be stolen. I understand them but damn it I want to be normal. Why can't I make money. Why can't I be normal a normal 24 year old. I hate having this illness why can't I be like everyone else have nothing to worry about. I wish i was happy again. I am so wasn't so sad. I want to make money on my own rather than depending it on mom and dad the 20 dollars a week. I mean if I sold my own stuff on E-bay. I could of made a fortune. I want to be normal. I hate that I am sick yes I am mentally ill. I hate my parents they are at fault. I never thought I would say this but they are totally at fault for me being born. I am so angry with them,i am not normal, I can't make money by getting a job,or social security would be gone so if I sold things on E-bay it would help pay for my share of stuff. I would sell my books some of my clothes that didn't fit me any more. At least I would be happy I could be able to save my money for my birthday and other things and buy stuff for me. I wouldn't have to ask for money in the long run.

Damn it I wish I were a normal 24 year old. I know there is no such a thing as normal, but I mean someone who didn't have to take his medicine everyday, someone who didn't have to stop and think what was real and not real, some one who didn't step into psychosis. I didn't have to leap into a delusional state, someone who didn't have to be medicated someone who's brain acts funny all the time. Someone who is angry and depressed and really hates that who isn't happy with himself. I don't have a job who is supposed to have graduated, who is supposed to have a girlfriend, someone who is to have been living on his own, someone who is aware of his surroundings someone who can make his own money none of this has happend to me all I have done to myself is hurt myself even further. I am not normal I am a schizophrenic who is trapped betweeen emotions.

Maybe I am angry, I am sad I wish I knew what the hell to think damn it I hate having these emotions. Getting so worked up to its giving me a head ache. Part of me wish I was dead the other part of me wants them to know how I feel the other part of me doesn't know how to explain it but I am pissed I am with them that they cursed me with this problem. I mean they screwed me.

I believe God gave me a raw deal in life. I figured God made me his joke and thought everything was a big joke for him and laughed when he created me saying lets see how much we can make him suffer. Relax I am still a believer in Him but I am more angry with him then ever but I am more horrified that he will do something worse off. I mean he is a terrible comedian cursing me. But my question is this, is God so angry with me that He has to give me all these plagues. What did I ever do to Him?

Ok I am going to look for stuff to see what I can bid on E-bay and then see what I can do.